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#561 Hosannainthehighest

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Posted 22 December 2010 - 10:05 PM

the computer's under his name, that's fine, i've taken my hands off it, and he can have it and pay for it.. it's currently in the shop being repaired, i gave them his number, and they are happy to deal with him.

he went to my mothers to tell her that he wanted the computer back, she said, i cant go around there or see the kids (she had a breakdown in front of me and the kids and told them I had demons!!), so i told her to keep away from my kids.

anyway, yesterday i was having a sleep in the afternoon and the door was open.. and the kids xbox and one controller was stolen.. nothing else.

I DON'T want him back, he is poisonous to me, I don't want to be anywhere near him. His thinking is so damaged and warped from his childhood, that even if he wanted to be a good man, he wouldn't be able to sustain it at all.

and yes, MJ i hear you, if he did ask to come back then i will give him joels number, but i wouldnt want him getting on here and reading anything i've said, he would use the whole thing against me, I don't trust him as far as i can throw him, which is NOT AT ALL.

#562 heartsong

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Posted 23 December 2010 - 02:03 AM

i understand, honey.

i just want you to know that. and i'm sending you love straight from my heart RIGHT now...

hope you can feel it.

you are surrounded by prayers. may peace fall upon you like a lovely blanket. :)

i will write more as i can...

xoxo

#563 Hosannainthehighest

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Posted 23 December 2010 - 09:53 PM

thankyou heartsong, it's lovely to hear from you. bless you.

#564 MaryJane

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Posted 24 December 2010 - 08:23 PM

the computer's under his name, that's fine, i've taken my hands off it, and he can have it and pay for it.. it's currently in the shop being repaired, i gave them his number, and they are happy to deal with him.

he went to my mothers to tell her that he wanted the computer back, she said, i cant go around there or see the kids (she had a breakdown in front of me and the kids and told them I had demons!!), so i told her to keep away from my kids.

anyway, yesterday i was having a sleep in the afternoon and the door was open.. and the kids xbox and one controller was stolen.. nothing else.

I DON'T want him back, he is poisonous to me, I don't want to be anywhere near him. His thinking is so damaged and warped from his childhood, that even if he wanted to be a good man, he wouldn't be able to sustain it at all.

and yes, MJ i hear you, if he did ask to come back then i will give him joels number, but i wouldnt want him getting on here and reading anything i've said, he would use the whole thing against me, I don't trust him as far as i can throw him, which is NOT AT ALL.

I'm glad you've got the computer situation looked after. I like your solution. :)

I'm so sorry you don't have your own mother's support. That is very sad. How much does she know about this ministry?

How awful that the children's X box stolen! My oh my! Frustrating, or what!

If your husband were to turn around and truly begin to DO THIS, your heart would most likely begin to turn back to him. That's how they say it works. It IS how it works. In other words, you don't need to worry about that detail. ;)

He actually would need to hear the things you've said here. However, to start with, if you knew he was going to get on the forums, you could make it hard for him to find you, by deleting where you live and making sure you're using a username he wouldn't think of. Dory can change it for you if necessary.

---

I hope you are enjoying Christmas with your children, Hosanna. God bless you!

---

Lord, guide Hosanna's every step, I pray. Work out Your Own perfect will in her life. Keep your hand of protection on her children. Open her husband's eyes. Open her mother's eyes. In Jesus' Name!

#565 Hosannainthehighest

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Posted 09 January 2011 - 10:49 PM

he come over, I apologised to him for not loving him when he was at home.. he apologised to me, he cried for a long time, we hugged and spoke.

I am able to allow him the space to be a Dad to the kids, that is what is hurting him the most right now, and he's getting sick over it.

God enabled me the grace to be there for him for that purpose - to love his kids. i'm happy with this outcome.

I have not been given any idea from God for him to come home. That is ok with me too.

#566 firewalker

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Posted 10 January 2011 - 05:44 AM

Oh Hosanna, that is a positive turn of events. I'll bet your kids have been hurting too. All children intrinsically know that the father is important, even when they are angry at him. Anger is even just the measure of their hurt and injury.

I know that we wives need to confess our own behaviors which are unloving, but I doubt that you did not love him. Your hearts' cry was to be loved, cared for, and protected. More likely the continuous injuries from his very juvenile and thoughtless behavior were very raw and painful, and you responded.

Anyways, I hope he doesn't blow this very important opportunity.

#567 MaryJane

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Posted 10 January 2011 - 08:44 AM

Heartwarming news! Thank you for letting us know, Hosanna!

I have not been given any idea from God for him to come home. That is ok with me too.

If your situation should begin to change in that direction, my advice would be to give him two things he'd need to do first.

1. Sit down and read the books, especially Book 1.

2. Phone Joel and have a talk with him personally.

May you be richly blessed with the Peace of God, today, Hosanna!

#568 Hosannainthehighest

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Posted 10 January 2011 - 10:07 PM

thankyou my friends
this is how i see him. he is very hurt and needy. he is aching over his mistakes, and cannot make sense of the fact that he lives without his children. he is in a relationship and said tentatively that he loves her, but also said that she "really loves" him. he said but his heart isn't fully there, but also said he couldn't explain it. i took that to mean that he instintively knows that he needs to be there for his kids, and basically is living a lie by not being with them, because this is where his pain is coming from.
i told him my door is open for him to see the kids, if that helps him any - i didn't 'go there' as far as me and him are concerned.
He and I don't have a relationship to speak of, it seems to me that we are only just learning to respect each other as individual people rather than someone that we have expectations and demands off.
I think God's love through me was a breath of fresh air to be honest - when i asked him about his gf, he didnt want to disclose any information for fear of me flying off the handle, but I was able to show him my love and grace regardless, which allowed him to open up.
THIS is why I don't see any future for him and I right now, as I am the one loving him unconditionally, he is such a hurt little boy that needs to be reassured and cared for - we seem in an unequal position.
I think where it stands for me, is that I forgive him, so the pain is not there at all and I'm free to love, but I haven't forgotten who he is, and to me, he is still wanting to be taken care of without considering what he has to offer the situation. I guess - LOL... it's like navigating a ship in the night, so the only light I have to go by is the Lord in my heart - and since He's got me this far, i'll just keep on with him.

As one of my good friends says to me - "forward Christian soldier"

#569 Hosannainthehighest

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Posted 16 January 2011 - 10:02 PM

he turned up unannounced yesterday, in the afternoon, it seems things aren't going well with the girlfriend, and in his words "she has nothing on you" meaning i'm worth far more to him than she is...
however it seems that he wants the luxury of coming home to make himself feel better.
i got him to admit to an affair he'd kept from me for 9 years, and basically put out there that i don't trust him. he's always been good with saying the right things. He thought he could go out and get a gf and then just come home when it suited him. I've changed too much to fall for that. He got pretty close to my heart though.
My Dad is afraid for me, he doesn't see joe as being any different, and doesn't want me going back into that again.

#570 J_W

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Posted 16 January 2011 - 11:54 PM

Heartwarming news! Thank you for letting us know, Hosanna!


If your situation should begin to change in that direction, my advice would be to give him two things he'd need to do first.

1. Sit down and read the books, especially Book 1.

2. Phone Joel and have a talk with him personally.

May you be richly blessed with the Peace of God, today, Hosanna!


THIS IS IMPORTANT -- especially since he is trying to come back when things went bad with his girlfriend --

your dad is right -- and you need to stay clearheaded and NOT allow this abusive husband back home --

He needs to own up to the fact that he IS an abusive husband:

Abuse/Power/Control QUESTIONS TO ASK of husband about how he treats his wife ….and of the wife about the husband (NEVER the other way around). When answering, just check off the ones that are a “yes“ -- do
not defend, explain or overlook any question -- do not excuse it as “this is how our family is” or “that is how I grew up” -- simply use the “yes” or “no” method with either an "x" or a check-off.

Since husbands might not necessarily recall their bad behavior, the wife most probably will, so it is important for both husband and wife to honestly answer these questions. UNLESS the wife feels “safe” enough to answer, she should only use this list when feeling safe enough to discuss it without recoil and retaliation. Determining the type of abuse is VERY helpful in beginning the healing process in a damaged marriage relationship.

Have you ever exhibited these behaviors, even ONE time?:
Beating ___ biting ____ choking ____ grabbing ____ hitting _____ kicking _____ pinching ____ pulling hair ___ punching ____ pushing ____ restraining ____
scratching ____ shaking ____ shoving ____ slapping ____ excessive tickling____ twisting arms____ using weapons ____ spanking ____ smothering ____ tripping ____ hitting with an object either with striking or throwing, etc ___
If yes: Physical Abuse

Have you ever treated your wife like a servant ____
Do you make all of the decisions ____ act like “Master of the Castle” ____
If yes: Male Privilege Abuse

Have you received therapy, OR gone to seminary, OR used self-help books then come back and turned this knowledge/info against the wife, but do not take responsibility for personal behaviors ______
If yes: Knowledge Abuse

Have you ever demanded unwanted or bizarre sexual acts ____
Made physical attacks to sexual parts of the body ____
Treated her as a sex object ____
Interrupted sleep for sex ______ forced her to have sex ____
Ever exhibit extreme jealousy ____
((side note: Jesus said that a man who lusts after another woman has committed adultery in his heart already) viewed any type of pornography _____
If yes: Sexual Abuse

Have there ever been displays by the husband of
hostile humor ____ publicly criticizes____ degrades her appearance ____ degrades her parenting skills ____ degrades her housekeeping ____ degrades her cooking____ forces her to eat foods she doesn’t like ____
If Yes: Humiliation Abuse

Do you make your wife responsible for everything in life ____ ie bills ____ parenting ____ etc ____
If Yes: Responsibility Abuse

Have you hurt your wife and then do not allow her to receive medical treatment ____
Have you ever forbid her to receive medical treatment for normal health issues. ____
If Yes: Medical Abuse

Have you ever used Scripture and words like “submission” and “obey” to abuse ____
Used spiritual language to defend any hurtful words or actions ____
If Yes: Scriptural/Religious Abuse

Have you ever used the children to give messages ____
used visitation rights to harass ____ uses child support as leverage ____
If Yes: Using Children Abuse

Have you ever exerted control regarding:
what is done ____ who is seen____ who is talked to ____
limits or listens in on phone calls ____ sabotages car ____ restricts outside interests ____ insists on moving frequently ____ required your wife to stay in the house ____
restricts access to the mail ____ deprives your wife of friends ____
If Yes: Isolation Abuse

Have you ever denied your wife of basic rights ____
used the law to enforce your power ____ deprived her of a private or personal life ____ Have you ever mandated duties of your wife ____ control everything ____ (ie, the amount of bath water she uses ____)
If Yes: Power Abuse

Have you ever had spies checking on her ____ follows her to activities ____
ie store ____, church ____, work ____, etc just to make sure she is where she “should” be ____ Have you displayed extreme distrust and jealousy ____
If Yes: Stalking Abuse

Have you ever put her down____ called her names____ played mind games ____ commits mental coercion ____ exhibits extreme controlling behaviors ____
withheld affection ____ caused her to lose her identity ____
If Yes: Emotional Abuse

Have you ever threatened to end the relationship ____
threatened to emotionally or physically harm her ____ threatened her life ____
threatened to take the children ____ threatened to commit suicide ____
Threatened to report her to authorities ____ Forced your wife to break the law ____
If Yes: Threat Abuse

Have you ever:
puts restriction on her employment ____ made her ask for money ____
give her an allowance and take the money she earns ____
required her to account for every penny she spends ____
If Yes: Economic Abuse

Have you ever:
ruined her credit ____
put the car(s), house, recreational equipment, and/or property in ONLY your name ____ spend her money ____ used her credit or savings to make her dependent on you ____
If Yes: Financial Abuse

Have you ever:
used looks, actions, gestures, and/or voice to cause fear ____
argued continuously ____ demand that your wife says what you want to hear ____
If Yes: Intimidation Abuse

Have you ever during your marriage:
punched a wall ____ destroyed property ____ broken down a door ____
Pounded on a table ____ abuses pets ____ etc
If Yes: Property Violence

When speaking have you:
Used curse words ____ accused your wife ____ called her names ____
used past to control and manipulate ____ committed mental blackmail ____
made unreasonable demands ____
If Yes: Verbal Abuse

Have you ever used silence as a weapon ____ punished her by not speaking to her ____ unwilling to communicate ____ do not express emotion ____
refuse to repeat back statements to your wife ____
If Yes: Silence Abuse (aka in Hegstrom’s book as the “Silent Knight”)

Have you ever
used jealousy as a sign of love ____
controlled what wife does ____ who she sees ____ who she talks to ____
controlleds when/where your wife goes ____
refused to let wife participate in activities outside the house ____
drop in “just to watch” ____ isolated wife from friends and family ____
is possessive of wife in every area of life ____
If Yes: Jealousy Abuse


IF ONLY ONE answer in a category is a Yes, then the entire category is an ABUSIVE behavior that the husband has exhibited, making the husband an abuser. IF you have repented fully (in ways that are wholly acceptable by your wife) and no longer act in these ways, then you are a recovered abuser. THAT is the goal.
Most men in an unhappy marriage are abusive in at least 6 categories - some more, some less. Reminder, however, that only ONE category still an abuser makes.

WHAT IS ABUSE ?
Physical Abuse: Any touch not given in love, respect, and dignity.
Emotional Abuse: Any communication, admonition, reprimand, or reproof that does not uplift, edify, or bring conflict resolution.

Are you aware that there are 21 forms of abuse? Some forms of abuse are so subtle that people accept them as normal. All forms of abuse are devastating and destroy individuals and their relationships. (per Paul Hegstrom)

Not accepting the reality of the abuse is detrimental to the marriage restoration. Humility is needed -- the Lord can help the humble - the teachable.

Need a reminder?: listen to J&K conference call with an abusive husband:



So now, on to the process of bringing healing and breathing life into the marriage, towards an outrageously happy marriage. IF we can do it, You CAN do it!

Paul Hegstrom says, "Until he becomes accountable and responsible for his behavior and starts getting help in developing his character and his core, the abuse will not stop."
Jeremiah 6:14 "And they have made little of the wounds of my people, saying, Peace, peace; when there is no peace." Bible in Basic English) simply stating that in order to bring healing you must fully address the wounds.

Please do not get stuck in the muck of shame -- only satan wants you to do that. Admit that you have abused your wife. Believe that God is the answer and that the husband can bring healing to his wife IF he will humble himself, apologize properly as needed (LOVER), REPENT, and be PRO-active in bringing good things, good attitudes, kind words upon his wife. (exercising the Fruit of the Spirit as much as possible) In other words, become more Christlike, maturing in such a way as to honor God, the Maker of heaven and earth and us and marriage.

*******

(please answer this questionaire as to how he has treated you with an example of the worst offenses ... as this will give you more clarity and strength of mind to be able to remind yourself WHY he is not living in your home)

Your husband is supposed to be loving YOU unconditionally -- not the other way around -- and if you continue in it, it will only make matters worse -- for he will be a toddler in a man's body for the rest of his life, never growing up into the man that GOD wants him to be, a mature man, a Christlike husband. Please re-read the chapters on "helpmeet" from Livin' It and Lovin' It.


prayerfully,
June of

#571 MaryJane

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Posted 26 January 2011 - 07:01 AM

How are you doing, Hosanna?

God's blessings to you.

#572 Hosannainthehighest

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Posted 27 January 2011 - 09:26 PM

Hi
I'm doing really well thanks. Joe and I have formed a respectful friendship. It's going well.
Hope you are well.
B

#573 MaryJane

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Posted 01 February 2011 - 07:32 PM

That's good.

I'm doing OK. Still working through it all. :rolleyes:

May your life be full of His abundance!

#574 KathyandJoel

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Posted 06 September 2011 - 06:35 PM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAY! ::clap ::clap

#575 Hosannainthehighest

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Posted 07 September 2011 - 11:34 AM

Thank You :)

#576 Hosannainthehighest

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Posted 10 May 2012 - 11:56 PM

Hello, to anyone here that might remember me :)

I just thought i'd update my situation, for those that supported me through the 2years that I have been separated from my now ex-husband.
We were allowed to legally divorce this past Monday (it's a 2yr wait in NZ). So that is exactly what happened ... (on the day).
The (6) kids and I are doing really well. I have a loving, caring, wonderful man in my life now. I am so grateful for the path that I walked to this point.
I'd like to thank those of you that walked steps with me during that time. Blessings and much love.

#577 MaryJane

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Posted 11 May 2012 - 06:56 AM

Hosanna! Thanks so much for the update!

I'm sorry it hasn't worked out with the father of your children. Have you been going with the new man long? Has he read Joel and Kathy's books? The mother/son issues and arrested development kick in after the wedding, usually, you may remember...

I"m just being a concerned "mother" you know... Posted Image

Wonderful to hear from you!

#578 preciousone

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Posted 09 August 2012 - 02:24 PM

Hi Hosanna.

I have just been reading some of your thread. I'm one of the Aussies who have benefitted from learning the principles God showed Joel and Kathy.I am hoping you will get on and check your thread ;-) . Anyway, just wanted to see how you are going and if your man is still in your life. You probably know this, but it is SO important that if this relationship is serious, that you introduce him to this ministry. You really need to find out where he stands BEFORE you marry him. Not only for your heart's sake but also for the protection of your childrens hearts. Does he love you enough to read two books that are important to you? Look forward to hearing from you

#579 Hosannainthehighest

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Posted 03 November 2017 - 09:37 PM

Hello ladies, 
I last posted here on the 11th of May 2012.
I re-read my whole thread last night.  That sure was a whole lot of turmoil.  I am grateful that I have that diary of experience to look back on.
I am not sure if any of the ladies that helped me through that time are still here?  
If so, thank you for walking through that huge valley with me.

Today, I am married (to the man spoken about towards the end of my thread), we have had 2 children of our own now 4 and 3, and together we raise the 6 children I brought with me (although they are becoming young adults! - I am happy that they all live at home still).

So, just an update.  Maybe this thread will help someone new that is going through what I went through.

Much love in Christ.



#580 MaryJane

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Posted 06 November 2017 - 04:25 AM

Hosanna! Wonderful to hear from you! Thank you so much for your update! Sounds like you found a good godly man, right? Praise the Lord!

Feel free to update anytime! God's blessings to you and your family. ❤️




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