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Aim: Get from Intimidation to Intimacy


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#2461 justhoping

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Posted 29 March 2016 - 04:38 PM



Zed,
I SO much need you to love me. Everything I'm doing and saying is because I still WANT to be married to you. There are three main changes I need you to make, though. Then I can decide what to do.

1. Quit smoking, completely and forever.

 

Mary Jane,

 

Coming up on two years and I wonder if what you were hoping for worked out for you? Which ever way the out come was I certainly hope that Philippians 4:7 came through for you. JH


Edited by justhoping, 29 March 2016 - 04:39 PM.


#2462 MaryJane

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Posted 07 April 2016 - 05:50 AM

Aha!  Good question, Justhoping.

 

As it turns out, I have found myself letting go of all but the most important "needs" I had in order to survive and thrive in my marriage.  I presume you have read in my thread that I was away for four months in 2014.  When I came home, I was generally a stronger person when it came to my relationship with my husband.  I did not have to feel intimidated by him anymore!   I believe the Lord did something in me.  My husband, apparently, had changed too.  

 

He has been consistently undemanding and not lording it over on me.  The few times he has forgotten himself and given me an order, he has apologized sincerely.

 

He gives me hugs without acting like it is a great imposition to have to do so!  

 

He even smiles at me often.  

 

The changes are actually huge, for us!  

 

I feel I am well on my way to having my topic title come true!  We are not doing everything perfectly, but I thank God that we found this ministry where we learned what the first steps are to "fixing" a torment of a marriage, and where we received the encouragement (sometimes the push) to TAKE the steps!

 

Thank you for asking!



#2463 MaryJane

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Posted 10 October 2016 - 02:36 AM

Another update/praise report:

 

I don't know how many months it has been since we had a little bump.  It has been many, though.  Yesterday, we had one.  

 

I mentioned casually that our new bathroom counter must not have the protective coating on it from the factory, since water seems to soak into it somewhat -- unlike our new kitchen counter.  My thought was that I need to get to the city as soon as possible and buy some of this coating.  However, this subject, I suppose, reminded Zed of a pet peeve he has had, that I wash my hands "too much".  He began to tell me I don't need to wash my hands at the kitchen sink, etc. etc.  He was being overbearing about it!  This sort of thing has not happened for a long time and it unnerved me.

 

Positive point no. 1

 

I immediately told him he was being unkind.  I said I was not running to the laundry room every time I needed to wash my hands.    

 

This is VERY unlike my old self.  I used to keep quiet because it seemed he wouldn't listen and would only give me more verbal abuse.  Then, I would feel totally overcome and overpowered by his contempt.  I used to feel stuck in this house with a "lover" who despised me.

 

Later, when Zed was going to go up to bed, I said, at least he had to give me a good hug.  This was almost funny.  He hugged me warmly (unlike the past, when he would go limp on purpose to show what an imposition it was to have to hug me) while still telling me how wrong I was about this water/hand washing thing.  I told him again that he was being unkind.  Those were my last words to him before he went to sleep.

 

I reminded myself that Zed has made some good changes and I may not have to take this any further.  It still affected me, though.  I prayed that God would speak to him and tell him whatever he needed to hear.  I didn't sleep well at all.  I got up in the middle of the night and wrote a brief note that I wasn't going to church in the morning since I had only had 2 hours sleep.  It was not a love note.  I didn't leave any X's or O's or sign my name.  I did not ask him to apologize or mention the "trouble."

 

By the time I woke up again hours later, I was feeling pretty worried that that this matter might not be over and might have to get worse before it got better -- as in so many times in the past.

 

Positive point no. 2

 

Zed was outside when I finally got up.  I glanced at my note on the table and saw he had replied.  It was an apology and a naming of the fact that he had been harsh!

 

That's all I needed!  He had apologized and knew what he was apologizing for.  I let him know how pleased I was.  And life has gone merrily on from there!

 

I thank God once again for leading me to this ministry and also for His direct Help at times!   :)



#2464 ChooseLove

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Posted 10 November 2016 - 08:10 PM

Praise be to God MJ.  Thankful for your recent post. 



#2465 MaryJane

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Posted 25 November 2016 - 05:21 AM

Thank you for that, ChooseLove!  And thanks for your posts to the men.



#2466 MaryJane

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Posted 04 June 2017 - 03:01 AM

Now I would like to post another update.  It concerns a bump in the road that we have not allowed to stall us very long at all!

 

Apparently, Zed momentarily forgot what his new style of communication with me was.  He found himself making an uncalled-for comment on a conversational matter that should have been a little pleasantry between us.

 

Yesterday, I was making a scanned copy of an old letter my cousin had sent to me when we were 8 years old.  She had written that she was sending some little items we had left at their place a couple of weeks before.  Zed took a look at the letter.  I expected him to agree with me that it was cute -- the sentence structure and wording of my little 8-year-old cousin, as she had been.  He has met her, as an adult.

 

However, his comment was -- you were already forgetting things way back then!  

 

I was taken completely by surprise.  I never seem to have the "right" comeback in a situation like this.  I think I said something useless like, "I don't always forget things."  I guess he walked away.  I thought maybe a little note to tell him how his words hurt might do the trick, since these upsets are so rare now.

 

I wrote the following:

 

Hi!

I just need a quick little apology for those words that I forget things often.  They hurt me.  Thanks.  Love, MaryJane

 

When he read it a little later, he said, " You hurt me with your words too."  I said, "I don.t think so!  Only if I have to tell you you are hurting me."  He walked away saying, "You do forget."

 

Frustrating!  

 

So, after he went to bed, I wrote another note and did not mince words.  Here it is:

 

June 2, 2017 10 pm

Dear Zed,

Please think about it.  You know how it feels to have someone imply that you are faulty in some way.  Remember how your mother used to speak to you, as if you were always in the wrong about something.

You used to  point out all kinds of faults you thought I had.  It nearly destroyed me.  You mostly don't do that anymore and I appreciate it very much.  It would be awful if you got back into that habit.

I need you, my husband, to only love me with kindness.

Zed, I am writing from my heart.

MaryJane

 

I just can't speak that clearly in person.  I felt pretty daring writing so pointedly, but thanks to what I have learned through this ministry, and with the deliverance I believe I received from the Lord, releasing me from intimidation of my husband, I wrote it!

 

Here is his reply this morning:

 

MJ,

I see and I am sorry.  Don't want that stuff to get going.  You're right!

Zed

 

That was enough for me!  I was able to go on as though nothing had happened.  It took Zed a little longer to actually warm up fully, it seemed.  Maybe he couldn't believe I was totally okay.  I don't know.  He's fine now and we are fine.

 

Praise the Lord!



#2467 ChooseLove

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 11:28 PM

Praise the Lord indeed!  We all need reminders from time to time an you did a great job reminding Zed.  ::clap

 

God bless you and keep you both.



#2468 MaryJane

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Posted 05 July 2017 - 06:43 PM

Thank you, ChooseLove!




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