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Have Questions; Not Even Sure Where to Post........?

Conference calls yes or no?

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#1 posyplanter


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Posted 17 July 2017 - 12:17 AM

Hello ladies,

I'm not sure where to even post, but for now I guess I'll post here.(Feel free to move this if you need to!)

My husband contacted Joel concerning an intensive a few weeks ago, and I understand during the conversation, Joel encouraged him to join the conference calls, watch the dvds, and kinda work on things before coming. I'm unsure whether to encourage that or not for the following reasons:


He promised almost nine years ago to go to an intensive after reading both books, experienced measured success, started listening in and decided he didn't like what he was hearing, pursued other ministries, Not necessarily bad, and again with measured success. Attended a conference by Ken Nair, read his and Paul Hegstrom's books, decided to attend Life Skills but never went, considered (phone) counseling with Ken Nair, but never followed through, (kind of) dabbled with a few other ministries, but never stuck with anything. (Yes, I believe he's Passive Aggressive.)


A whole lot of water has gone under the bridge since then, so to speak. I won't bore anyone with all the details, but the result is basically that I have become somewhat numb emotionally, or perhaps it's been God hiding me in his strong tower.  It might be a combination. I've experienced the Lord's peace and presence in ways that I never realized were possible. I've learned to run to him. I know Jesus is with me, no matter what. He's the only security I have felt for at least fifteen years.



If there's any hope at all for us, I sure don't want to mess anything up by encouraging listening in or participation in the calls, watching dvds, then  having hubby turn and run as soon as he hears something that makes him uncomfortable, and never make it to an intensive. It just seems like God is saying to me, "Just get him there, and I'll deal with him!"


Am I wrong? Right now, he claims to want to work on our relationship. Not sure what to believe, and I know dealing with Passive Aggressives can be touchy. What do you suggest?













#2 MaryJane



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Posted 18 July 2017 - 09:23 AM

Hi Posyplanter! I'm glad you have posted! I understand why you have this question for sure.

So, a date is set for you to attend an intensive?

Did your husband, and you, read both of Joel and Kathy's books?

If your husband did not actually sign you up for an intensive, I think the important thing right now is that he do so -- for the very next one, if at all possible! No explanations or discussion necessary. This is it. You are unwilling to "try" anything else.

I say this because I think he has dabbled in working on his marriage long enough. Attending an intensive with Joel and Kathy would be a REAL beginning of really working on it.

I'd like to suggest that at least you get on lots of conference calls and speak up when you can. This would help you to get stronger. Maybe you are already doing that.

Would you tell us more of your marriage history when you reply? We would like to get to know you! God's blessings to you, Posyplanter! I'm looking forward to your reply!

#3 posyplanter


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Posted 19 July 2017 - 04:58 AM

Hello, and thanks for the response!

Wow, I'm not sure y'all would want to hear the whole nine yards.......

But I'll try to give an overview.


1st of all, yes we've both read both books, along with Paul Hegstrom's books and Ken Nair"s; both were eye opening.


We both come from a very traditional church background which can be both good and bad, (depending on what was truly Biblical and what was merely cultural, as we all know.:))


In the beginning of our relationship and the first few years of marriage, we both had a sincere love for God and desire to live for him. In spite of some erroneous teachings and growing pains, the church we were a part of truly was like family, the leadership was seeking God, and we were growing together in love. Unfortunately, the seemingly inevitable happened and we went through some "church junk". I suppose because churches are made up of human beings. We're supposed to be regenerated but well, suffice it to say that hubby never really got over it, never was completely healed from that heartbreaking experience. His spiritual and moral life started to decline from then on. The rest of our life together as a family seems to have been poisoned by his bitterness and anger. Most people never see it, but it's been dumped on our family in a variety of underhanded ways.


At first, I had the typical response of, "It must be my fault!":.......& thus began a whole "library" of self help books for women on how to "fix" our marriages. Unfortunately, the women's ministry in our church at that time was flooded with them. Interestingly, I don't recall anyone there that had the kind of marriage I would want. Mostly women who had resigned themselves to a life of lower expectations of their husbands and that had somehow found renewed vigor from the current popular method of holding it all together by submitting more perfectly and becoming the perfect "helpmeet", continuing to "validate" their husbands. (My, that sounds so dysfunctional to me now, lol!) So yes....been there, done that!


I realized later, after reading both of Paul Hegstrom's books and also both of Joel & Kathy's that arrestedness is likely the reason for my husband's response. (or lack thereof!!:o) He basically withdrew into his own world and locked everyone else out. Although we didn't understand the proper terminology years ago, what is interesting to me is that the Holy Spirit did make us  aware of some of those "tendencies" from time to time, and we dealt with them either at an altar praying with some of our church family, or together at home, and we were growing in grace.....till more "junk" started happening. It definitely seems like it's been a pattern for us, and it distresses me. We've been in three other churches since the 1st one years ago, and it always seems like something happening at church is always what trips my husband up.


We even did some "traditional" counseling with a couple different counselors, and it would always come up. Finally during one session I remember our counselor turning to him and saying, "Jesus never did anything bad to you! Why are you "punishing" him?" And yes, often it was touch and go with those counselors as well. He never hung in there long enough to make lasting progress.


I've had my own journey during these difficult years, and yes, I feel like I've grown up, and gotten closer to Jesus, realizing that I am complete and whole in him. No, I don't need a man to "complete" me! Jesus is my everything, and if my husband ends up leaving, it's ok. I don't really need all that dysfunction. Having aging parents with health issues, I've spent quite a lot of time away in the last year, and with it came that realization. It felt incredibly freeing to me. Separating really doesn't seem like the worst thing in the world anymore. We as a family basically lost him years ago already, as far as relationships go.


However....as a child of God, I know he would want to heal our marriage and family. Our children have deep hurts, and I know I do as well. Most important of all, he is not fulfilling the destiny God has for him, and neither is our family. (I know God's grace can cover the rest of us and we could go on without him. but it wouldn't be ultimately what we were called to.)

I told him he needs to decide what he's going to do. Either seriously work on our relationship by going to an Intensive........or we separate. ;


He actually called about possible Intensive dates, but with his track record, that doesn't mean he'll follow through with anything. I believe he knows he needs to get in a discipleship program that offers some accountability. (At least, he said so) It's just that what he needs the most is also his greatest fear, and with a Passive Aggressive personality,.... well, I think we all know it could end up anywhere. I just felt like that was the approach to take, to just get him there once and let Jesus and Joel deal with him,.....??


Your idea about just listening in by myself sounds like a good one; maybe I'll try that. The women's call sounds inviting.


Sorry this was such a long ramble!!

#4 MaryJane



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Posted Yesterday, 01:46 AM

Thank you very much for that! What a clear description of the atmosphere of your marriage!

Why don't you call into the conference call tonight?

Have to go for now. Will come back later.

Am back. I like your thought, "Just get your husband to the intensive and let the Lord deal with him there." That would be a major first step in the healing of your marriage! I am pretty sure I felt almost exactly the way you do right now, not wanting to ever rock the boat, but still, knowing the boat HAS TO change direction!

If you could see your way clear to getting on tonight's call, I will be listening for you. If you introduce yourself, which you don't have to, I will speak up and say Hi.
It's meant to be a couples' call, but do introduce yourself and when there are no more couples to talk, they would love to talk to you, I know! Even just listening in is encouraging, I think. Do you have the number handy?

It is 1 (857) 232-0476. Access code: 544475

Let's talk again!

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